Max

Why am I still hostile towards you? 

It’s been 2 years. You never really liked me the way I liked you, I was naive.

I think this was the closest thing to love that I’ve ever experienced. I remember how sweet you were. We used to talk everyday. I remember that summer so well. I remember the notes you wrote. I remember how you smell, it’s stained in my memory. I remember how we would walk, how we would talk. I remember how I consoled you. The problem is that I remember too much and you don’t. 

Vividly I remember when the school year started. Where were you then? You just stopped talking to me out of no where. What hurt me the most? That you found new friends? Was it the  new best friend that you flaunted in front of me daily? Was it the sudden silent treatment? Was it that I never knew what caused it? Or was it the sudden realization that I was wrong about you ever liking me?

I have to thank you though. You made me the person I am today, mentally and physically. I believe it was karma; you got your just deserts, and I got what I deserved. I changed over that next summer, and showed that I didn’t need you or your pity friendship. It felt good to show you that I didn’t need you and that I was actually better off without you.The worst part is that I still had feelings for you that I didn’t know I still had.

Progressively throughout senior year I was comfortable in thinking that I was finally over you. I was wrong. I don’t know what it was but I craved attention from you. Even if it was minuscule, I needed it. You kept pulling me in, and I though maybe this time it would be different. Again, I was wrong. 

I feel this need to ignore you and give you the cold shoulder. It’s my defense mechanism. I know that if I try and get close, I’ll get hurt. You’ll never reciprocate the feelings I had for you and now I’ve come to terms with it. That’s fine. 

I’m okay.

But not really.

Erica

Erica is my best friend. I can talk to her about anything. She is someone who I trust with my life, someone who will always be there for me and vice versa. Erica is one of the most intelligent, compassionate, caring, sympathetic, loyal, and beautiful people I have ever met. 

It’s hard to believe that we’ve become friends. A few years back we had our differences, and it was due to my stubbornness. How different would I be if I really got to know her earlier? 

I’m really excited to see her in a matter of weeks. She’s one of the reasons I can would even think about visiting back home. I’ve spent almost everyday of the past year around her and it’s painful being away from her for so long. That being said, it’s been a relief that I’ve been able to talk to her everyday since I left.

I miss her.

10-07-13

I don’t miss home; I miss the familiarity of being home. I’ve been gone for more or less than seven weeks and it still feels so surreal. I’m in a different state than my family and friends and that’s what really rattles me when I really think about it. I think about the life I used to live back in Michigan and it’s difficult to think life has moved on without me there. My friends have met new people and have adapted to their collegiate lives. I have as well, don’t get me wrong. It’s just a strange feeling, growing up. Cliche. I want to catch up with my friends and see how different their experiences are than mine. 

The strangest part of this experience is my lack of direction. Where am I going to be in 4 years? A year? A month? Tomorrow? The one lesson I have learned in college is that I am utterly lost. Lost in the sense of where I want to end up in life, and what I want to get out of it. What do I really care about? What do I want to do as a career? Who really am I? Do I belong here? Do I belong in college? I’ve been questioning myself almost everyday here.